Saturday Night

I haven't slept much lately. I have been up thinking, crying, praying, worshiping. The other night I was watching my best friend's kids while she was gone. They were all sleeping so the house was quiet. I sat on the "Big, Blue Comfy couch" and cried out loud to God.

First I got angry. I am so sick of people asking how I am. How am I? I really don't know. As the days go on I miss Zeeland East. I am not sure what I am going to do without it. I miss the feeling of being apart of something. I miss the idea of having my own house. Even though I was there only 2 weeks it is now I miss the things I dreamt about doing. Making a fire, playing catch in the yard, having people over.

But then I fell on my knees, in the middle of the living room and wept. God has blessed me. I have a good support system. I have a part time job at Starbucks. I ahve a house to live in. God is a god of provision.

I am sorry Lord, for the days when I just can't fix my eyes on you. I am sorry for the moments I look to what I have had taken away, rather than what you have given me. I am not sure Lord what you are doing in my life. I feel so disconnected from everything, but I want to remain connected to you!!! I want to follow your steps. I want to rest in your will.

This the Psalm that I have read probably 100 times in every translation since Saturday night. I speaks what my heart is feeling.

Psalm 43
1 Vindicate me, O God,
and plead my cause against an ungodly nation;
rescue me from deceitful and wicked men.

2 You are God my stronghold.
Why have you rejected me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?

3 Send forth your light and your truth,
let them guide me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you dwell.

4 Then will I go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight.
I will praise you with the harp,
O God, my God.

5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.


The song that is playing right now says it as well.

I didn't notice you were standing here.
I didn't notice you it was you holding me
I didn't notice you were crying too.
And I didn't know that it was you, it was you washing my feet.

This is all that I can say right now and I know it's not much.
This is all that I can give and that's my everything.