church...tears...relationships...repentance

These past few days have been days of tears. I am not sure what God is doing in my heart, but I can't sit alone, otherwise I just cry. It's not a little trickle down your cheek cry either, it's a open the flood gates, Sam's Club size of Kleenex box cry. It seems like there is so much happening around me, and I long to just sit and be.

I just got done reading one of the best books I have ever read, The Shack by William Young. Everyone needs to read it, cover to cover! In the book, Mack sits down and has a conversation with Jesus about church. When Mack asks how he can be apart of His church, Jesus replies, "It's simple, Mack. It's all about relationships and simply sharing life. What we are doing right now, just doing this, being open and available to others around us. My church is about people and life and relationships. You can't build it. It's my job and I'm actually pretty good at it."

Are we doing this? Am I doing this? I wish I could say I was, but the truth is I am not. Sure I build relationships, and love to be around people, but lately I feel I have been building relationships with people that I know are going to be easy. So I am building relationships from behind a mask. Can anyone truly know me, if I don't know myself? I believe lately I have been living a life of self centeredness. I want to serve, but in my way, with the gifts I think I have, rather than where God wants me to be. I feel the need to be all about me and my wants and desires instead of God's, instead of the church's.

Another book I started tonight, Holy Fools by Mathew Woodley talks about the gift of tears. Woodley quotes Irma Zaleski, "We repent because, when we catch even the tiniest glimpse of God, of his perfection and beauty, we are filled with longing and love. At the same time our hearts break with sadness, because we realize how far we are from this perfection and beauty. And above all our hearts break because we realize that the source of this separation does not lie somewhere outside ourselves, but in our hearts themselves; the chains that bind us are the chains of our own self-centeredness."

The reason why I write this is because I need to confess to you, the church. I need to stop looking at my desires, but focus on where God wants me to be. I need to stop being upset because I feel I don't have a leader, and start being the leader. In Daniel 3, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego didn't worship the idol and they did this knowing they would get thrown into the fire. BUT they also did this while being seperated from Daniel, their leader.

Church, are we waiting for the "right" leader to lead us into worship? If so why? What happens if God comes along and sees us just waiting? Is our excuse that we don't have a leader, or that we don't want to step out of our safe box? I don't say this to challenge you, but me.

Am I turning into a safe Christian?

Lord help me!!!!